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Literature Your Columns Contest Austin and a herd of squirrels

Austin and a herd of squirrels Hot

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Austin and a herd of squirrels

His love of the hunt started when he was around three.

The boogie man was hiding in every nook and cranny of the house, this was met with finding me immediately and having me pretend to shoot the scary man with an invisible gun.

The boogie man had two hiding places, Austin would swear he saw him, in dark places under the bed and in the laundry room, both needed to be sprayed with invisible bullets to ensure a good nights sleep.

His first experience with real live game was fishing, he was five.

Casting took too much effort with an official fishing rod, pushing the button and let go at the correct moment so he gave up in about ten minutes. He could see small fish swimming next to the bank so he gave up on the official fishing rod and settled for a large stick, not to catch them with but to hit the ones he could see next to the bank over the head.

This was met with more anger and disappointment because every time he identified the fish of choice he would slam the stick in the water only to find muddy water and wet hair.

His next effort was to hunt birds with water balloons. He went zero for a hundred with one close call because the bird was thirsty.

The bird just waited for him to throw the water filled weapon and then drank from the laser guided but failed shot.

His next adventure was a little more sophisticated, Play-Station.

Catching fish on Play-Station was easy, so was shooting deer, birds and tigers.

Now he could hunt game on the TV in the comfort of his own room while eating gummy-bears, he could also pause the game and watch Sponge Bob, until a squirrel committed suicide by jumping on a power transformer thus killing to power to the house and erasing all unsaved progress on the Play Station.

This was met with many colorful words worthy of a pen and paper.

But something was missing, the thrill of the hunt for live game.

The next challenge was his arch nemeses the squirrel, there were a heard of four hundred in his yard alone so in his eyes his chances improved dramatically.

His next weapon of choice was the squirt gun. He was taunted by the squirrels because he had to get with in ten feet to be within range of the squirt gun.

He abandoned the squirt gun in favor of a pocket full of rocks.

The first time I saw him throw a rock at a squirrel I knew this could be trouble.

After an afternoon of squirrel hunting he came inside to eat dinner.

His mom asked him “what have you been doing?”

Austin “Throwing rocks at squirrels, what do you think I‘ve been doing?”

Mom “well did you hit any?”

Austin “No, but dad told me a hell of a arm, so I’ll try again tomorrow.”

The squirrels continued to taunt him, although he did indeed have “A hell of a arm” his aim was not quite what it needed to be with such a small and mobile target.

So he began searching the house for a new and more formidable weapon, this is when he remembered the forth of July and began tearing my room apart.

The room looked like a ten year old high on Halloween candy went through there looking for a fix, I even smelled Mountain Dew on his breath.

After some considerable effort he found what I had attempted to hide until New Years Eve, my fireworks stash. He now had the arsenal he had dreamed of since the first squirrel committed suicide on the power transformer thus killing to power to the house and erasing all unsaved progress on the Play Station.

He was wearing a green Tee shirt and brown paints covered in black stripes of some sort and a brown ball cap, his face on the other hand was covered in full camouflage colors green brown and black with one exception, instead of brown he had bright yellow and his eyes were wild but focused.

I asked him “where he got the make up?”

“Out of your top desk drawer” He said while working on the logistics of the child proof lighter.

All my Sharpies were missing from my desk drawer, so he would look this way for quite some time whether his mom wanted him to or not.

His first weapon of choice was the biggest one in the bag with a fuse, The Roman Candle.

The problem was he thought it was a foot long firecracker that he may well launch at an unsuspecting Demon’s From Hell and it would eliminate at least seven to thirteen potential power company transformer blowing, cutting off the power to the house and erasing all unsaved Play Station stuff, tree climbing rats …on the first try.

The directions (use only under adult supervision- light the fuse and back away), he thought this was merely just a suggestion.

He held the work of art in his hand then lit it and lofted it towards the small herd unsuspecting high brow rats and blow them to smithereens.

The great Roman Candle doesn’t operate that way, when the fuse hit the promised land fire balls from hell were shooting in his direction, the squirrels were entertained and impressed at his foot work, but they knew a blond haired blue-eyed ten year old was out to get them.

Squirrels are nervous by nature but have you ever seen a paranoid squirrel? I have.

He next went into the bag for his old but trusted friend the Black Cat Firecracker, he tried throwing them one at a time with no reward for his efforts, then in a fit of frustration he lights an entire pack and forwards it in the general direction of the occasionally suicidal, minis to society, the squirrel.

They were on to him and went for higher ground in the tree tops of a one hundred foot tall pecan tree.

He went back the stash and found the answer, Bottle-Rockets.

A firecracker on a stick when lit would streak towards the minis to society and either hit them with the sheer force of the firecracker on a stick and knock them from the tree or scare them to the point where they all jumped out of the tree tops all at once and take there medicine for being so low on the food chain.

He had seen first hand how to use a bottle-rocket, he put the first RPF (rocket propelled firecracker) in a hand held coke bottle lit then aimed, it streaked into the tree with great urgency exploding with a great pop sending the squirrels in to a state of mind that can only be described as Ape Shit, they were no longer safe in their lofty perch from the carnage of the camouflaged ten year old from hell.

The squirrels were chattering and darting about back and forth to the point that an untrained observer would swear they were high on crack but no casualties.

The squirrels began strapping on helmets made from the half portion of a pecan shell.

So if one was good how about two at a time, no three, four….so he settled on an entire pack of twelve.

The Coke bottle was insufficient for this attack, too crowed, so he went to the garbage can and found what he was looking for, an empty Spaghetti jar, he was now ready to eliminate his arc-rival, the suicidal cutting off the power to the house and erasing all unsaved Play Station stuff, tree climbing rats.

The formally child proof lighter lit on the first try, the fuses burned a little more slowly than he wanted.

He backed away, as per the directions for the first time and waited.

It was beautiful sight worthy of a fourth of July audience.

Within three and a half seconds all twelve were streaking tree ward and began exploding in the tree tops sending the ones that didn’t have a nervous breakdown started jumping to adjacent trees further and further down the block looking for a witness relocation tree.

He sent another round of twelve into the tree just mo make sure his message was clear.

The back yard became quite and for days afterward Austin would take a walk around the yard looking for any that didn’t learn their lesson.

He hear a rumor a few days later on the school buss that some kid one block down had four hundred new squirrels in a tree in his backyard, Austin smiled.

Three weeks later while playing his Play Station the power to the house was cut off and erased all unsaved progress on the Play Station.

Austin yelled to his Mom “Mom, I got to go down the street.”

In his left hand was the lighter and in his is right was a handful

of bottle-rockets….














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