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Literature Short Stories (Contest) Yes Virginia, Santa is a biker ("A.C.")

Yes Virginia, Santa is a biker ("A.C.") Hot

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Yes Virginia, Santa is a Biker

Yep, I’m Santa Clause and I’m a biker. That’s my red and green Harley out front. It’s not just a Harley, it’s a Fat Boy, of course. I kind of think the fine people at Harley- Davidson designed them just for me; the original Fat Boy. I considered a Gold Wing, but that just sounded too much like something the Tooth Fairy would ride. They call him a fairy for a reason, you know.


If you think about it, it makes sense. Where else would a three hundred and fifty pound guy with a long beard and sporting leathers fit in? Not at the playground. Little Johnny or Sally comes over and sits on your lap and your going to get more then your halls decked, if you know what I mean. Besides, I’ve got a list of all the Naughty Girls. I know exactly were all the HO, HO, HO’s are. They sit on my lap and I know exactly what " I" want to unwrap under the Christmas tree. Don’t be shocked, they don’t call it the North Pole for nothing, you know. We get mail at the shop and the Victoria’s Secret catalogue.


What about Mrs. Clause? Well, I think someone else has been stuffing her stocking besides me. I keep smelling carrots when I come down her chimney, if you know what I mean. I think Frosty has magic in more then just his hat. I notice he gets flushed every time I walk by. Kind of unusual for a snowman. Besides, after all these years, the weather isn’t the only thing frigid at the workshop. They call them snowballs for a reason, you know.


After all theses years, even looking at the back side of reindeer was getting exciting. Really scarey when you realize Donner and Blitzen are in the back. Talk about a stinking exhaust though. You try hauling your hide behind eight reindeer all night, sometime, and you’ll have a new definition for air pollution. I think the magic corn that does it, if you ask me.


As for the elves, they have awful big mouths for being so small. I swear, elf gossip is the reason for the polar cap melting, not global warming. Show a little interest in one of the female elves and everyone swears your slipping her the Yuletide Log. That kind of stuff gets going around and Frosty is not the only one giving you the cold shoulder. Some days, your tempted to hang the mistletoe on the back of your shorts, if you know what I mean. Any way, between the freezer queen, snowmen who can’t control their carrots, stinking reindeer, and mouthy elves; it was time for separate vacations.


Like I said earlier, I had a little trouble finding a place to fit in. Every place I went, I stuck out like a sore thumb. At Christmas, everyone is happy to see me. The rest of the year, they just say I need a shave and make friends with Jenny Craig. I swear, elf gossip is the reason for the polar cap melting, not global warming. Not always in that order. You try having cookies and milk a thousand or so times in one night and see how your waistline looks.


Anyway, I happened to wonder into a biker bar one night. There were these guys from the Iron Butt Club. Bragging how far they rode. Going places like Daytona and Sturgis; going on about a mere thousand miles or so. I couldn’t help but laugh. They hadn’t even left the continent, a lot less circle the globe. I bet my delivery schedule would frost their chaps. After one of my nights, I have rosy- red cheeks on both ends, if you know what I mean. Anyhow, the bikers heard me laughing, my belly shaking like a bowl full of jelly, and just started laughing with me. They just thought I was drunk and the next thing I know we’re swapping stories and buying each other beers. That’s when I started to look around.


A couple of the guys were my size, or bigger. More then half of them had beards. I couldn’t help but notice some of the women. Talk about a warm front ! Some of them had the finest snow cones I had ever seen. That’s when I knew I had to get a Harley.


I knew I had found me a home away from home. Face in the wind and the freedom of the open road. People who know it’s more about the trip then just getting their. Besides, did you ever wonder where the idea for a toy run came from?


Well, Merry Christmas!! I have to get back up to the shop. Remember, If you leave me a soft tail under the tree, I just might leave you a hard tail in the driveway !!

Your Friend,




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Yes Virginia, Santa is a Biker ("A.C.")

0 of 0 people found the following review helpful
The Naughty Nuances of the North Pole have struck, & run amuck - again. I also gave "Uneven Steven" an additional rating of 2X, for his rowdy risque roguishness, which could have been more devilishly detailed - thus earning him an extra X. A XXX rating would certainly put "Christmas Eve Steve" into the upper crusty areas of the Sons of Anarchy. Having been to both...you will certainly find better "snow cones" in Sturgis, SD, than big bare double D's in Daytona Beach, FL. Search & research - I say! I recommend that this "Bad Biker Boy" include his masterpiece onto his Christmas card this year. Butt, ya sure have to check to see who is naughty or nice! Ya think? :)
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Avatar Reviewed by Mean Dean
December 14, 2010
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