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xxx Mrs...Misses & Kisses xxx PDF Print E-mail
Written by Dean Flewwellin   
Thursday, 15 April 2010 18:58

 
If you're not kissing - then something's missing!
 
Kisses are one of the best forms of communication - and the most fun.   However, there are good kisses and bad kisses; hot kisses and cold kisses; long kisses and short kisses; deep kisses and shallow kisses; serious kisses and funny kisses.   Kisses can bring you extreme happiness or extreme trouble.   A fifty-year marriage or an Italian Mafia "kiss of death."   The faster you learn the difference, the faster you will love and be loved.   Even though one great kiss could win you a nice spouse and several children - in the blink of a false eyelash.
 
Also, female make-up has permeated the gentle gender, from five-year-old 'Little Miss' pageant girls - to sixty year old "cougars."   Put high heels on them, and they all begin to look like come hither hookers.  Thus, their beauty can become a prime motivation for a kiss.
 
Mom's goodnight kiss and especially a goodbye kiss, could quickly become a "dissed kiss," when their eight-year-old boy wants to quit those "sissy kisses."   And specifically, "no buss at the school bus."
 
My first meaningful kiss was when I planted one on little five year old Linda, just after we exited church.   Mom commenced to give me a meaningful spanking on my little mean butt.   I think that mom implanted that little she-devil's name on my brain, as I've always remembered it.   Also, I never dated a Linda!
 
Thus, I was Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes until the age of 12, when I was suddenly confronted with a kissy/huggy woman with big boobs.   My raging hormones were under full control, but "kissy/huggy-bare" wore a snuggy tube top, short shorts, and high heels - every wicked day.   Somewhere between a kissy and a huggy - I lost control and kissed a booby.   It was hot and I was hot!   Subsequently, this scenario prompted a willing teacher and a more than willing student.   I became a quick learner, and kisses were a special part of my whole curriculum.   The game was on!
 
Teenage dating is where we all did the "peck kiss," mostly because we were all "chicken".   And then the Senior Prom brought us more experience with different types of kisses.   We featured the very tender kiss, mostly so we didn't spook the girl.   These kisses, done right, allowed us to buildup several more tender kisses, hopefully resulting in the longer smoother goodnight kiss.   If lucky, you could slip in several of these attention building kisses, until you heard a loud voice yell the girl's name, followed by "get in this house young lady."   I think it was God calling!?
 
The sneaky art of secretly passing notes in class also brings those lipsticky kisses that girls smacked onto them.   Girls finally matured to long distance love letters with a lipstick smack onto the back of the envelope.
 
Teenagers, being of limited confidence and experience, sometimes lean towards the "surprise kiss."   You tend to sneak up on your target, and plant a quickie on them and hope for the best.   This is also the same era, whereas the boys would go for the "hair kiss," reasoning that since it wasn't on the lips, the girls wouldn't slap or scream at them.   However, if she gave you a little moan, you could slowly progress to the "ear kiss" and "neck kiss."   This normally leads to the "kiss of choice,"  from puberty to planted, which is often called a "lip-lock."
 
Now, high school is where boys try to introduce the highly touted "French kiss" into the equation.   But the girls had already been forewarned by their parents, so boys really had to slowly ease into this more adventuresome kiss - especially with Catholic girls, who were all scared by all types of kisses.
 
Then we have the horrible "hickey kiss," where you want to leave your mark on the recipient - aka "the braggadocio buss."
 
As we graduated to college coeds and fraternity parties, drunken kisses become more of the norm, and boys are slapped at an alarming rate.   It was also a great way to get sobered up too.   Boys now become smarter at this point, and become more aware, that most girls facing you only a foot away - are subject to a "smack-a-roony."   However, a guy with some experience would first look deeply into her eyes to see if she were a yay or a nay-sayer.   Either way, most would just say "what the Hell," and go for broke.   And stay alert for another slap!
 
At this point, you have probably perfected the telephone "smack kiss," utilizing various sounds.  On campus, visual effects from a distance dictates 'blowing a kiss' to a coed close enough to see it.   Of course, a quick pursing of the lips for a 'long distance' kiss can also be used here.
 
So now you have found a gal of marriage material and kissing excites every bone in your body.   And the more you kiss, the more you are excited, and the more you keep kissing.  Catch 22 or catch a cold!?
 
Suddenly, you are now bold and fresh, so the "ear and hear kiss" is now part of your repertoire.   You gently nibble her ear, softly blow into it, and whisper something sexy. Sometimes it works - sometimes it doesn't!
 
The  "big booby kiss"  is where you rest your head on...  well,  you get the point.   AKA the  "smothered kiss,"  when you kiss between the, well, you know.
 
The  "small booby kiss"  is the same as the "big booby kiss," but you can breathe more easily.   You also don't sweat as much!
 
The  "wedding kiss"  is right after the preacher says that,  "You May Kiss The Bride."   This is when the groom wants to  "French kiss"  her, but their families are watching, so a simple extended lip-lock helps to keep them all from laughing at you.
 
After the wedding, this usually leads to the  "thigh-high kiss,"  which is aimed at her thigh, then slowly continues north.   You won't even need a compass!
 
The  "cook's nook kiss"  is where you saunter up behind the cook, throw your arms around her, and kiss her gently on the back of the neck.  If you expect dessert, caress other areas.
 
The  "toe kiss"  is where you kiss and suckle her toe(s), and pray that you don't  find any toe-jam or stinky feet.
 
The  "senior citizen kiss"  is simply a peck on one cheek.
 
The  "la-de-da double cheek kiss"  is a peck on each cheek.
 
The  "air kiss"  is the same as the "la-di-da-kiss,"  but just kisses the air about six-inches from the cheek.   AKA the  "back off of the bacteria kiss."
 
"Kiss my grits,"  aka,  "kiss my ass,"  should normally be countered with you stating,  "You say that like it is something bad!?"
 
The  "no harm arm kiss"  is when you are so wrapped around your honey, and are so sexually aroused, that you kiss your own arm - instead of your honey's.
 
Remember  "The Kissing Bandit?"  This large breasted babe in a tight top became famous  by suddenly running/bouncing onto a major league baseball field of play (pun intended) and kissing one of the players.
 
Overall, my highest recommendation concerning kissing is to practice, practice, practice.  This is what I consider that our Declaration of Independence meant by "the pursuit of happiness."
 
I kiss.....er....kid you not!


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Last Updated on Thursday, 15 April 2010 19:08